I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
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[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this