If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
multitasking lunch
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?