[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
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(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ