[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
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“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god