My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
can you read it!!??
maan!
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.