I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I’m not lazy
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.