Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
meow
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.