A face that lunched a thousand chips.
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Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.