During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
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doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad