Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
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me irl
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”