I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
#Caturday
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours