Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.