Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
You Might Also Like
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok