just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
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A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am