Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.