Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day