“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
The news in a nutshell.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now