[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
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10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.