You Might Also Like
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.