“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
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I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?