Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.