Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Happy birthday to all the women
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits