Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
You Might Also Like
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Breakfast for Stoners:
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
🛁
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Bro what is this
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.