If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
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People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?