To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
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I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar