GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
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9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Swedish for common sense.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The Wolf of Wall Street.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Mission: Impossible
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water