a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.