I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
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Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
There is wisdom there.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Do one person every day that scares you.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.