God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
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1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct