Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
The struggle is real.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
This is always good for a laugh.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.