I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
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Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching