Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
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I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Solving a traffic jam
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in