Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Thrilling chase underway
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.