Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Fries, not lies.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses