We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
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If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
He a real one for that
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.