Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
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corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.