Intelligence is the new cleavage
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Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.