On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
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Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
just having fun
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.