I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
August 8
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”