“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]