Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
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What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist