If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
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*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I’ve been drinking.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is