Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest