If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
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Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Blew out my flip flop…
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.