“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.