Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I’m aging like a fine banana
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?