In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”