Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner