Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained