Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I wish I could veto my bills.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I just stopped by to water my horse.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Worst perfume name ever.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Dudes named Chance never had one.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.